“He Chose…Poorly”
Monday, March 2nd, 2009
An unearthed alternate take of “Revolution 1” off the Beatles’ immortal White Album was leaked onto the internets and much to the delight of aging hipsters and audiophiles everywhere.
The aptly titled “Revolution 1 (Take 20)” blends their subdued doo-wop version, along with elements of the avant-garde “Revolution 9”, which for years left fans baffled by its experimental sound and shared namesake.
A surprisingly coherent Yoko Ono even makes a brief appearance towards the end.
I would provide a link, but there really isn’t much point in doing so, since record label EMI has taken on the futile mission of enforcing their copyrights.
Many are considering the find to be on par with the discovery of penicillin or Indiana Jones’ heroic rescue of the Holy Grail from the mitts of the reviled Nazis.
According to some random guy on the internets (so you know it has to be true), there were only two copies of the June 3, 1968 recording in existence, one owned by John Lennon, and the other secured by some nameless collector.
Last year Sir Paul McCartney hinted at another lost Beatles’ relic entitled “Carnival of Light”, a 14-minute track which he ably described as “more plink-plonky”.
“I mean, I like it, but it’s not to everyone’s taste,” Macca added.
Science fails us once again
Monday, March 2nd, 2009
Another random medical researcher has released an “unbiased” study suggesting that teenagers with a high sexual proclivity have raunchy music and not their molesty uncle with the Charles Bronson moustache to blame.
Dr. Brian A. Primack of the University of Pittsburgh claims that prolonged exposure to suggestive lyrics was the primary cause of increased sexual activity amongst the 711 ninth-grade students they interviewed.
Participants were exposed to 14 hours worth of vulgar and degrading songs each week, and of those, roughly a third admitted to being sexually active.
Interesting, so people in the Middle Ages (who were popping out babies by age 13) had access to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” right? In fact, wasn’t he knighted by King Henry the VIII?
Look, I realize this is a puritanical society and all, and as such we have a tendency to avoid the obvious, but really, hasn’t anyone considered the possibility that genetics just might be a factor?
There’s a reason everyone goes through the mortifying rite of passage that is puberty.
The cracked voice and unsightly pubic hair is your body’s way of telling you you’re ready to begin reproducing.
People like to think that we’ve somehow evolved as a people, yet we still pray to invisible gods and wage bloody wars in their name.
Thus concludes the ranting portion of this flight.
Geologist of the World Unite!
Monday, March 2nd, 2009
It has recently come to my attention that a great many of you on this website have absolutely zero interest in Rock music, and are merely here out of an innocent homonymal misunderstanding.
You see, the English language is needlessly complicated and rather than come up with a different word for each new meaning, its creators have lumped in multiple connotations for the very same word.
For example, the word “f*ck”, a personal favorite of mine, can be used as a verb, noun, pro noun, adjective, subjunctive, past participle, and so on.
It is essentially the Swiss Army knife of the English language.
Much like the Smurfs, a childhood staple for many, I can nearly construct entire sentences with a single word.
I don’t know, just off the top of my head, “Hey F*cko, what the f*ck are you f*cking doing you f*cked up f*ck of a f*ck?”
Although its comprehensiveness is of course debatable, I think I’ve made my point.
Rather than go f*ck myself as one of you cleverly suggested, I’ve decided to take this as an opportunity to extend an olive branch to all our geologically inclined brethren that frequently shout obscenities at me.
I’m sorry your father touched you in that special place as a child, but it’s no reason to be uncouth.
Where were we? Ah, yes! An olive branch…To make amends for ignoring this highly profitable demographic, I’ve decided to include some pertinent Geology news in this current issue of This Week In Rock. Please enjoy.
Beloved artist and geologist, Marvin Mangus, died in an Alaskan hospital at the age of 84.
He’ll be remembered for capturing the innate beauty of inanimate and soulless rock formations in each of his paintings.
Mangus’ contributions to society will be sorely missed and we hope he’s made it to that big Trellis Drainage in the sky.
Oscars Gone Wilde! You can’t beat top-notch wordplay like that.
Monday, February 23rd, 2009
My interest in this year’s Oscar ceremonies was nearly non-existent, what with the notion of having my fragile male ego irreparably harmed by the vision of a dapper Wolverine prancing in my head.
However, after preparing myself with a testosterone laden Michael Bay colonic of Armageddon, The Rock, and Transformers I convinced myself that my flamboyant heterosexuality would remain firmly intact.
Here are a few of the semi-music related highlights, after all this isn’t a movie website now is it?
My interest, among other things, peaked when a ravishing Anne Hathaway, the pale white goddess and future mother to my offspring, took to the stage in yet another awkwardly choreographed advertisement for her singing prowess.
Look we got it, your gorgeous, immensely talented, and can sing. Now will you kindly sit down?
Ben Stiller paid homage to a disheveled Joaquin Phoenix in his first display of comedic insight since, well ever.
A movie comprised almost entirely of sound (Wall-E), lost a Best Achievement in Sound award to a film saddled with cumbersome dialogue, go figure.
R&B musician, John Legend, replaced a notably absent, Peter Gabriel, who bowed out disgracefully from his performance of “Down to Earth”, after realizing he would only be the center of attention for a paltry 65 seconds.
Hollywood odd couple Zac Efferon and Alicia Keys presented stand-up comedian A.R. Rahman with an Oscar for Best Score and Best Original Song.
In between one-liners about marriage and mother-in-laws, Rahman had this little gem to offer, “All my life, I had a choice of love and hate. I chose love, and I’m here.”
Rahman, you crazy commie, homo-loving son of a gun, you get me every time.
C’mon stop it guys, I’m telling!
Monday, February 23rd, 2009
Awww, poor Brandon Flowers, those big mean music critics keeps picking on him and he doesn’t even know why.
“People have been ridiculous with the amount of attention paid to the saxophone,” Flowers said in an interview with The Daily Telegraph. “They’ve been like children about it.”
Rather than simply criticizing him for his overall awfulness, reviewers have shifted their focus to painstakingly deconstructing his music and isolating the root cause.
In the case of most recent album Day & Age, the horn section is to blame.
“It’s such a divisive instrument and it shouldn’t be,” he said. “We didn’t use it an abnormal or ugly way, there’s no such thing as a bad instrument.”
Apparently he’s never heard of the accordion before.
During the same interview, Flowers also attempted to defend his stance on the brewing flash photography conspiracy against him.
“Everyone has an agenda. If you like me, that’s super and you might put a great [live] picture up. If you don’t like us, you won’t. I’ve seen people do both. That’s just how it is,” he said.
Lastly, the vain Mormon singer elaborated on his chart topping dominance over Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy.
“We deserved to beat them,” Flowers said. “They’re not what they used to be. We stuck together, this is our decade, this is our era. We deserve it.”
I knew it! I knew there was a reason I hateds
